Reviewing One’s Situation

Tim’s take on Fagin’s “Reviewing the Situation” from Lionel Bart’s Oliver. Do look at Her Majesty’s own stylish tribute to the Air Traffic Control Tower at our own airport.  Here’s Ron Moody singing the original words:


Been Queen for so long, hasn’t one?
Still going strong, near ninety-one
And though I’d be the first one to say one is not
cheap to keep
Do you want the monarch to live in Buck
House with all those leaks?
One’s reviewing the situation
Must this woman be the Queen for her whole life?
But all these trials and tribulations!
All those other royals bring so much bloody strife
Prince Charles has got it in for me
He wants me out, that’s clear to see
And Anne has had a go at me
And Andrew wants to ride for free
That Edward makes a fool of me
And Pippa’s arse I hate to see
….I think I’d better think it out again!

Camilla’s a bitch, isn’t she?
Needs to be ditched, doesn’t she?
With a face like the arse of a horse
And she’s just such a cow
So “how to dispose of this trumped up
Old tart”, so how?

One’s reviewing the situation
That silly tart will be the first to go
Succession by-pass, a revelation
Getting rid of him and her with just one blow
Find someone else to take their place
Wills and Kate or What’s His Face?
George make sure you watch this space
Lottie would bring so much grace
Now one’s thinking straight, it’s true
Even Pippa’s arse would do
…I think I’d better think it out again

Shall I stay on to my ton?
Why ever not? Same genes as Mum
All my multiple progeny have always been
spongers and louts
And their provenance the subject of rumour
and in some cases doubt………..

One’s reviewing the situation
If one wants to rule, one’s got to do the job
My many acts of propagation
Have not produced an heir that’s worth a bob
So the job one’s keeping, possibly
More boring things I’ll have to see
Garden parties and all that tea
Investitures, no fun for me
The Commonwealth do not want me
The Sovereign Grant is so stingy
…..I think I‘d better think it out again.

But what happens when I reach my ton?
Another garden party, oh what fun!
But let’s be brave, have a rave and who cares
if the money runs dry
I can always sell off the Crown Jewels, that
will help me get by

One’s reviewing the situation
I’m the Queenie and the Queenie I will stay
You’ll be seeing no abdication
I’ll stay on the throne until my dying day
I don’t want no-one to rule for me
The rest are all such fools you see
Prince Charles can only talk to trees
And Andrew’s too embroiled in sleaze
Edward’s long lost to fairies
Prince Philip just hates all Chinese
It’s Will with whom I’m most at ease
He’ll make a better King than these
…I think I’d better think it out again!