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Boris – the Modern Foreign Secretary

Boris
I am the very model of a modern foreign secretary
I boss the FO bureaucrats and tell them I must get my way
All those nasty foreign types we must ensure they’re sent away
They’ll soon be on their way back home once I get rid of Mrs May

Frenchies, you have had your frites, it’s time to bid a curt adieu
Eyeties take your pasta and your calorific ice cream too
Merkle Krauts remove your beer, it’s making us obese you see
And causing us to break our sleep as we wake up and have to pee

Chorus
Causing us to break our sleep as we wake up and have to pee
Causing us to break our sleep as we wake up and have to pee
Causing us to break our sleep as we wake up and have to have a pee

Boris
All those Polish plumbers that we used to fix our pipes must now go back
And every Spanish waiter working here will have to get the sack
Although I do like foreigners, the UK in they cannot stay
As I am the very model of a modern foreign secretary

Chorus
Although he quite likes foreigners, the UK in they cannot stay
As he is the very model of a modern foreign secretary

Boris
Negotiating Brexit is a job that’s vexing Mrs May
Tory MPs nagging her but Brexit bureaucrats hold sway
The EU very clearly is oppressive and draconian
With Jean-Claude Juncker acting quite a lot like old Napoleon

The Cabinet cannot agree the terms by which we exit make
Allowing me to have some fun by promulgating news that’s fake
Spreading lots of rumours of the payments that our exit waives
Making me appear to be the man that could the nation save

Chorus
Making him appear to be the man that could the nation save
Making him appear to be the man that could the nation save
Making him appear to be the man, the man that could the nation save

Boris
The champion of the NHS with people friendly policies
I am a man of certainty that will appeal to all Tories
A modest, self-effacing chap, it’s very plain for all to see
I am the very model of a modern foreign secretary

Chorus
A modest, self-effacing chap, it’s very plain for us to see
He is the very model of a modern foreign secretary

Boris
But all this Brexit huff and puff is simply subterfuge from me
Outflanking our Theresa is the end result I want to see
Spreading rumours of our MPs bedroom impropriety
Makes my little peccadillos look like acts of piety

I’ll brief behind her back and criticise with notes my friends will send
Enlist the help of Liam Fox who’ll help me send her round the bend
And when Claude Juncker sends to us our final great big Brexit bill
Boris to the rescue rides and May departs with much ill will

Chorus
Boris to the rescue rides and May departs with much ill will
Boris to the rescue rides and May departs with much ill will
Boris to the rescue rides and May departs with much too much ill will

Boris
My acolytes I’ll then reward with all of the top jobs and then
I’ll grab my Boris bike and park it right there outside Number Ten
The British public want to see their blonde Boris triumphant be
As I am the very model of a modern foreign secretary

Chorus
The British public want to see their blonde Boris triumphant be
For he is the very model of a modern foreign secretary.
© Tim Wilcock